Doctor Fiancee (kellingham) wrote,
Doctor Fiancee
kellingham

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Conversation

RainbowSelkie® says:
you know, ramothhe's situation reminds me a bit of me and hay, i'm beginning to take a stand....aren't i?
taedg says:
you are beginning to,yes love
taedg says:
although you have additional complications that mattie does not
RainbowSelkie® says:
oh?
RainbowSelkie® says:
i do?
taedg says:
you are beginning to take a stand about what she does to you..but are still allowing her to dictate what you are
taedg says:
if that makes sense
RainbowSelkie® says:
how do you mean?
taedg says:
points to your changing your profile in friendster
RainbowSelkie® says:
ahh
RainbowSelkie® says:
true
RainbowSelkie® says:
not too sure why i do that. is it for my sake or for hers i wonders
taedg says:
for the sake of peace?
taedg says:
my love does not like conflict
RainbowSelkie® says:
true
taedg says:
and have never liked you having to hide who or what you are..even though I understand

Why do I pretend to be something I am not anyway? Why should I have to hide the parts I know she will not like? Simply because I am afraid of losing her, for all I complain about her. And I would lose her if I were myself. It gets hard sometimes, but I guess I can cope. I have for this long, why change anything now after all.


One of her problems lately has been the fact that a mutual friend of ours is doing something she doesn't like. S (as we shall call her) has been having sex. In fact she has been having sex for the sake of sex (so I am informed) with a fellow who understands that it was just for sex's sake and in fact returns that mutually. Both are consenting adults. I personally fail to see a problem here (provided they are of course taking precautions which actually knowing S they probably aren't but there's not much I can do about that myself). I do understand why hay is worried (or perhaps jealous - I don't really know and it's not my business really), S has gotten into trouble this way before (abortion). She also insists he's using her, I'm not entirely convinced it's not the other way around. But yes, I can see how her rantings have a real basis in this situation.
This is where it gets fun.
S is apparently now seeing someone (not sure if it is the same fellow, I have difficulty keeping track of relationships I admit). Hay is infuriated by this, and disgusted naturally. She insists on informing me repeatedly how wrong it is. How it shouldn't be allowed. Her problem? The fellow is in his 50s.

Does anyone see a problem with the fact she is choosing to rant to me about it?

I don't mind the fact that she comes to me to rant, in fact I kind of like it, makes me feel wanted. I just wish that occasionally she would think before she started spouting off. I am glad she came to me with her worries, but actually part of me wishes she had not been so...vocal...about her disgust. I suddenly realised, if this is how she discusses it with me, does this mean she has been saying the exact same things about me to her other friends? Do I disgust her? Perhaps worse? This wouldn't bother me as much if she had said something to me about it, but the fact that she didn't, the fact that for 3 years she has probably been complaining about me behind my back kind of hurts. I have no proof that she did, but it would be logical to assume so. I have been her friend for 10 years, I have a pretty good understanding of the way she ticks now.
I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want her to have to change just to accomodate me and my views. I'd never ask that of anyone. I would just like her to be slightly more considerate, and to stop taking people for granted. Soem day she may accidentally push everyone away over a silly argument, or a loud opinion. And it's true, you don't know how much friends matter until they're gone.
One of her other rants was that S was spending a lot of time with the fellow, which anyone in a new relationship can perhaps understand. I agree with Hay that S has actually been slightly inconsiderate to Hay's feelings lately, for example - she was supposed to go over to Hay's house one day and never showed up. When Hay called S's house to see where she was, her father informed Hay that S had in fact gone out for the evening. It would stand to reason that if she knew she was going over to see her, she should have at least called and made her apologies. It would have been at least polite. Hay was telling me how she doesn't want S to continue ignoring her like this because then she would be all alone without any friends at all and terribly lonely. *Sigh* Hay is surrounded by friends constantly, she is a very social person. She has a lot of friends where she works, and is rarely if ever lacking for someone to talk to. I guess that comes naturally when you're pretty and bursting with confidence. And i look around myself and I see that, aside from my friends online whom I do love dearly (^_^ hi everyone!), I am completely and utterly alone. Hay knows this, but once again she complains to me about her lonliness unthinkingly.
Hay, if you do ever actually read my journal, which I am not sure if you do or not, please please please look around you and see how loved and popular you actually are. Don't take those people for granted, someday they might be out of your reach and you'll know what true lonliness is.
And on that note, stop fussing about your lack of a mate, you're beautiful and confident. You can't expect a perfect man to live in Cumbria of all places after all! We both know the guys there are more affectionate towards the sheep than the women ;) Don't worry, you'll find Mr. Right one day, until then have fun with being single. Look at my brother, he didn't find a good girlfriend until just a year or two ago. You need a little more patience.

And on a completely different note, a rant about me.
Why don't I have a direction in life? It's not through lack of looking for one. Sure I have a wonderful man (whom BTW I am not letting get away), I could probably get lots of jobs too. But I don't want a job. I want to do something with my life. I want a career, or even several careers over the course of my lifetime. i want to be someone. And the older I get the less likely that is to happen. If I am going to do something I need to start doing it soon. but I don't know what I want from life, and the things I know I want, I can't have.
This is so frustrating.
I don't even know where to begin.
The only reason I did so badly on my A-Levels is because I didn't know what to do with them when I was done. That and a general dislike of the subjects (apart from biology, I loved biology). I have very varied interests, I could do so many things with them. But how do I go about sorting out which ones are more important?

Anyway, this is becoming much too long, anyone who's read this far, congratultions on managing it.
[/whining]
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